totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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