Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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