I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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