sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
