I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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