Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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