Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
