i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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