Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
