I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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