he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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