oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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