fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
