I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
