This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
