i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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