Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
