i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
