she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
