three words: i give head
three words: not that well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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