broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
