Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
