I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
