We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
