wakey wakey hands off snakey
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
