Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
