Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
