Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
