there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
