why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
