Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just cut my nipple shaving
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
