I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
