I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
i've created a new STD.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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