matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
