Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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