I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
