I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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