I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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