I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
