turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
