So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
