I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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