I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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