FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
