It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
