i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
