11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
