did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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