His hands were made for my vagina.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
