it hurts more in the daytime
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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