I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
