when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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