He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
