So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
