that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
