Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
