I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
