I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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