Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
