I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
