She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
