So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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